How Emotional Intelligence Can Transform Your Leadership (Part 3)

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I don't think there's a there
could be said enough about your

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ability to listen right when you
really actively listen.

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And to to your point, Terry,
you're not just waiting for

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your, your, your moment to
respond, right?

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When you actively listen, you
could ask very thoughtful

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questions to acknowledge the
person that you're listening to.

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And I think that's a basic need
that we all have is to be heard,

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you know?
So when you take the time to

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actively listening, you actually
satisfying a deep need that the

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other person has across the
table from you, right?

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So that helps to foster a even
deeper connection just by being

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able to take the time to really
listen to what a person has to

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say, see in their perspective.
To Leadership Sovereignty, the

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podcast, I'm your host Terry
Baylor, along with Ralph Owens

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on this third installment of
emotional intelligence, will dev

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into empathy and how to build
stronger relationships.

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Enjoy the show.
Hello and welcome to another

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episode of Leadership
Sovereignty.

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Terry, how you feeling this
morning?

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Man, excited to be here with
everyone.

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Thank you guys for the feedback
and hope you're getting

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something that's helping.
Awesome, awesome.

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Well, let's let's jump right
into it.

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So we're in episode 3 of our
series on how emotional

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intelligence can transform your
leadership.

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So today we're going to talk
about building empathy and

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connection.
So what, what is empathy?

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What, what, what, what, what
comes to mind for you when you

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hear that?
Terry?

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What is empathy?
Basically, man, it's, it's

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really kind of not just focusing
on yourself, right?

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Seeing it from the other
person's perspective, even at

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times feeling it from the other
person's perspective and really

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drawing maybe from a life
experience that will help

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connect the why.
I think that's really the, the

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main thrust of empathy, right?
Understanding the why and moving

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forward in a way that's
productive for both.

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Yeah, yeah, I, I agree.
I agree.

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It is really about the other
person and understanding them

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better, right.
You know, so, so that you both

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can move forward together.
So let's jump into it then.

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Cognitive empathy versus
emotional empathy, right.

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I think, I think you had read a
pretty good definition on that,

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Terry.
You know, can you touch on that

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a little bit?
Yeah, really, you know,

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cognitive is really, you know,
cognitive is exactly what it

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says, right?
Mentally putting yourself in

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that person's place, right,
Trying to understand, right, the

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logic, right?
That's, that's really, you know,

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what that deals with.
And then in terms of, you know,

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the emotional empathy, you know,
I believe we have a opportunity

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to do that.
And I would say the easiest way

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for us to do that is to draw
back on a previous emotion that

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we had, right?
That was something rough.

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We, we talked about this
morning.

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And you know, how do we touch on
that in a way?

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Because the emotional empathy
part can be pretty heavy, I'll

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say, depending on what the
emotional issue is, right?

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So just be, I'm be really candid
here.

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Some things I don't want to
experience emotionally, right?

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Because I'm not equipped to, you
know, facilitate that.

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And I'll just give a quick
story, right.

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In a previous life, you know, I
would deal with youth and there

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were certain stories that I had
to deal with that were quite

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heavy.
And when those things went

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beyond my training, then I would
bring someone else into that

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situation.
And, and that happened, you

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know, you know, plenty of times
as you as you deal with youth

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and, and then ultimately it
turns into, excuse me, it turns

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into a lot of times a family,
you know, discussion.

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And I had to bring someone in
because emotionally I wasn't at

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a place where I could, I could
facilitate that.

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So anyway, just want to kind of
lay that groundwork.

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But if you have a life
experience that you can tie to,

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I think that's very helpful.
And in the emotional space, what

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do you think?
Now that you spot on, I mean,

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that's helped me many, many,
many times it just in life in

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general, right?
Just being able to take a step

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back and say, OK, what are they
feeling, right?

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You know, in my mind, let me put
myself in your shoes.

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And instead of it being you
against me across the table, let

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me come around to the other side
of the table and get on your

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side and try to understand, you
know, mentally why you feel the

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way that you do.
And then to your point, you

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know, once you tap into that,
you know, can you dig deep

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enough to find or remember a
situation in which you felt the

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same way, right?
You know, because by connecting

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with that, you can connect with
that person better, right,

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instead of, you know, only
looking at your own perspective

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on right.
And you know that, and that kind

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of goes to the benefits of
empathy and relationships.

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You just get better connection,
man.

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You connect with people so much
better when you understand where

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they're coming from and what's
driving them so that you don't

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have to be in opposition, you
know, with each other.

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I think that is the, the, the
main benefit overall of, of

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empathy.
I mean, what, what do you think

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about that here?
Yeah, here's the thing, right?

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When you're not on an island,
right?

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Because the person you're
talking to could feel on an

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island, right?
But if you guys are on that

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island together now, you know,
we've heard it said many times,

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2 heads are better than one,
right?

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So, you know, Ralph, I was
speaking with someone this week

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and they were, you know, dealing
with some challenges.

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And I said, you know what, I'm
going to share something with

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you that one of my best friends,
we've been in a lot of scenarios

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together.
And when we're in these

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scenarios where we have to
figure out, find a resolution,

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we start with one premise.
And that premise is there is an

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answer.
There is an answer yes when.

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You can agree on that.
If you can get someone to agree

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that there is an answer, I
believe that's a great bridge to

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empathy, right?
I believe that's a great bris.

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You know, I haven't had haven't
necessarily used it in that form

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or in that in that scenario,
right?

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Typically we've used it when
we're troubleshooting, right?

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And some we just don't know what
in the world is going on.

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Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Say there is an answer, and

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here's the thing that that does.
When you come to that agreement

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within yourself and then you
come into that agreement with

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the person you're working with,
that automatically builds a

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connection and a common path
forward that you guys are

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agreeing that the end is going
to be an outcome that's

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favorable.
That's right.

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That's right.
Absolutely, absolutely,

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absolutely.
So so how do you develop

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empathy?
One of the ways you do that is

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through active listening and
perspective taking, right?

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Being willing to not be the one
that's talking and be the one

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that's listening.
I heard somebody say, and I, I

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believe it's my wife who was
previous educator for 25 years.

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She would say that the person
who's talking the most is

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learning the least, right?
It's the person who is listening

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the most who's learning the
most, right?

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So to develop empathy, sometimes
the first thing you have to do

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is be willing to not be the one
talk and to be the one listening

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and, and, and asking questions
so that you can get a better

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perspective on exactly where the
other person is.

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Because again, once you
understand their perspective,

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then you can kind of understand
why they're doing what they're

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doing, which, which builds that
connection.

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But but what what comes to to to
mind for you Terry when you we

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talk about how to develop
empathy?

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Man, I, I love that saying,
right?

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The person who's listening as
learning, wow, that is a pretty

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amazing concept.
And if you know, I remember

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being at A at an event and I was
speaking with a gentleman.

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It was a technology event and
for the first time, man, I had

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actually saw listening as an
action.

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This guy was listening so intent
to what I was saying and so

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engaged.
I thought to myself, I need to

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start practicing listening, like
really being engaged.

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And you know, from that moment
forth, that was one of the, you

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know, personal growth areas that
I even today I continue to work

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on, right?
I want to actively listen,

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meaning that I'm not listening
to give a response.

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I'm not listening to, you know,
I'm not listening, dissecting

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what you're saying, right,
right.

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I'm, I'm listening to absorb,
right, to, to take it in.

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And, and I believe it's a, it's
a skill that you have to

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practice.
And so it's not just how he was

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listening, but it, it was what
he said after, you know, I, I

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finished speaking because it
was, it wasn't a response,

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right?
But it was really an

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acknowledgement, I guess is the
is the best way I could say it.

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And yeah, that it was a
conversation that changed my

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life because of how intently he
was listening.

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It was, it was a, you know,
pretty impactful moment for me

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in life.
That's actually that's, that's a

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fantastic point.
I don't think there's a, there

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could be said enough about your
ability to listen, right?

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When you really actively listen
and to, to your point, Terry,

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you're not just waiting for
your, your, your moment to

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respond, right?
When you actively listen, you

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could ask very thoughtful
questions to acknowledge the

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person that you're listening to.
And I think that's a basic need

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that we all have is to be heard,
right?

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You know, So when you take the
time to actively listening, you

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actually satisfying a deep need
that the other person has across

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the table from you, right?
So that helps to foster a even

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deeper connection just by being
able to take the time to really

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listen to what a person has to
say, see in their perspective,

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right?
And moving forward from there.

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Another way to develop empathy
is just having practicing

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mindfulness and meditation for
emotional regulation, right?

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You know, going into situations
already prepared with your mind

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already in a certain state can
help you, you know, be more

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empathetic into to make a deeper
connection.

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But Terry, what comes to mind
for you for that?

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Yeah, I, I agree, right.
Being balanced yourself, right.

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You know, we've all been in
situations where you got to go

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in the next day, right?
And there's carryover or you

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have something going on in your
in your personal life, right?

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And so at the end of the day, we
all have an emotional bucket.

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And how are we managing that
bucket, right?

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Is it near the brim, right?
How, how do you get to a place

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of self regulation in your
emotions, right?

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And it's been, it's been, it's
been.

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And I remember listening to an
NPR episode a few years back,

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and they were talking about the
power of prayer.

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And in this scenario, they were,
you know, they went through all

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different, you know, there
wasn't any particular religion

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that they were focusing and on,
but they went through and talked

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to many of the people who were
in disciplines where meditation

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or prayer was highly utilized.
And it was, you know, basically

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the study said that man, though
those persons were able to

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really navigate life and, and
keep things, you know, in

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perspective, right, Because they
were able to, you know, look

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inner inside, right, and, and
kind of, you know, see where

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they were.
And then also too, they were

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relying on a, you know, there
was a spiritual element to their

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lives, right?
And Ralph, we've talked about

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this, right?
There are four elements that we

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have to manage in order to
behold, right?

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There's physical, emotional,
relational and spiritual, right?

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You know, we are spirit beings.
You know, I know there's, you

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know, again, there, there could
be some different, you know,

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beliefs out there around that,
but we are designed to want to

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connect.
And that part of us that wants

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to connect is that is that soul
spirit area of, of who we are.

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And if we're doing things to
help manage that area, right,

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Meditation, you know, going out
on a walk and just being quiet

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and still, right?
And just, you know, being, you

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know, taking deep breaths,
right, taking a moment to, you

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00:13:43,440 --> 00:13:48,800
know, not take in right, with
all the things that we have at

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our disposal, right, all the
media, all the, you know,

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connectedness from a digital
standpoint, right?

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00:13:56,320 --> 00:13:58,240
So that's, that's kind of what
comes to mind for me.

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That's.
Great.

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That's great.
That's great.

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And then the, the, the, the last
point is building strong

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relationships, you know, with
empathy.

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00:14:07,240 --> 00:14:11,600
So we can use emotional
intelligence to also build our

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interpersonal skills, right?
Because once you become more

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aware of your emotions and
you're building empathy with the

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other person, you're going to by
default build a stronger

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connection and have better
interpersonal relationships,

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right?
With people.

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I think another one is conflict
resolution and communication

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00:14:30,520 --> 00:14:33,600
strategies, right?
You know, I remember reading a

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book on conflict resolution
years ago and it talks about

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when you have a conflict and you
want to deal with, there's a

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couple things you want to do.
You first want to acknowledge

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the relationship that you have
with the other person.

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That's empathy, right?
You start off with who you are

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and what you mean to me.
I'm going to put aside what our

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what our conflict is 1st and I'm
just going to acknowledge the

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relationship and that that
relationship is more important

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than this situation, right?
And then I'm going to sit back

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and I'm going to listen to your
side.

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Everything we just talked about.
Have empathy, right?

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And try to see from your
perspective what I'm not seeing.

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And then I'm going to find a
place of agreement so that we

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can move forward together.
Right.

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You know, all of this is tied
into empathy and emotional

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00:15:16,640 --> 00:15:18,920
intelligence.
And it could be a very, very

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00:15:18,920 --> 00:15:21,680
good tool for a conflict
resolution.

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00:15:21,840 --> 00:15:25,000
Any any thoughts on that too?
Yeah, Rafael, I love the the the

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point that you brought out about
this relationships means more to

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me than the actual issue.
And, you know, I believe that is

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something that could be better
communicated or more often

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00:15:40,920 --> 00:15:44,360
communicated.
You know, I don't believe

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outside of my personal
relationships, I don't believe

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00:15:50,040 --> 00:15:52,560
I've really ever heard that
communicated, right.

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00:15:52,560 --> 00:15:58,080
Can you imagine what that would
sound like or feel like or what

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00:15:58,080 --> 00:16:03,600
kind of productivity that would
bring if in the workplace, a

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00:16:03,600 --> 00:16:06,600
leader?
Well, you know, provided that

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00:16:06,600 --> 00:16:10,360
kind of feedback, look, First
off, the value that you have to

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00:16:10,360 --> 00:16:15,200
this organization is more
important than the scenario that

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we're having to talk through
today.

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00:16:19,120 --> 00:16:20,160
Yeah, right.
I've, I've used it.

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00:16:20,160 --> 00:16:21,520
I used it multiple times.
I'm sorry.

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00:16:21,520 --> 00:16:22,440
Go ahead.
No, go ahead.

275
00:16:22,440 --> 00:16:23,960
No, no, no.
Go ahead, please.

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00:16:24,640 --> 00:16:27,720
I've used it multiple times in,
in, in, in my career in that,

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00:16:28,040 --> 00:16:31,480
you know, sometimes when you
have a conflict, you, you, you

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00:16:31,480 --> 00:16:35,560
lose sight of the fact that you
both want the same thing, right?

279
00:16:35,560 --> 00:16:38,160
You know, so, so let's establish
that we both want the same thing

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00:16:38,160 --> 00:16:41,000
for the organization.
We want things to move forward

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00:16:41,000 --> 00:16:44,360
and our customers to be happy.
There's a very powerful thing.

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00:16:44,360 --> 00:16:48,160
And this goes back to your point
area of establishing agreement,

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00:16:48,960 --> 00:16:51,440
because when you establish
agreement, you got to put some

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00:16:51,440 --> 00:16:55,320
of your Shields down, right, in
order to hold hands, right?

285
00:16:55,320 --> 00:16:58,000
When you establish agreement,
you know, you make progress in

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00:16:58,000 --> 00:17:02,400
the right direction.
But as long as there is only

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00:17:02,400 --> 00:17:05,520
conflict and there is no
agreement, right?

288
00:17:05,520 --> 00:17:07,560
So you got to find somewhere
where you can agree.

289
00:17:07,839 --> 00:17:10,160
And we both agree that we're
trying to go in the in the same

290
00:17:10,160 --> 00:17:13,480
direction, right?
You know, So let's establish

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00:17:13,480 --> 00:17:16,000
that we both have the same
interest in mind.

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00:17:16,839 --> 00:17:20,680
Now let me step take the step
back and listen to you so I can

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00:17:20,680 --> 00:17:22,640
understand your perspective,
right?

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00:17:22,640 --> 00:17:27,640
I heard this guy say this, He
was talking about marriage and

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00:17:27,640 --> 00:17:29,560
and marriage issues, but I think
it still applies.

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00:17:29,560 --> 00:17:32,200
And I love this, this, this,
this saying, he said.

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00:17:32,200 --> 00:17:37,840
He said sometimes one of you
have to have enough grace up for

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00:17:37,840 --> 00:17:40,920
the both of you.
Yes, I know who you're talking

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00:17:40,920 --> 00:17:42,320
about.
Oh, Jimmy.

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00:17:43,400 --> 00:17:48,120
I mean, just, oh man, you know,
and, and what are you saying is

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00:17:48,120 --> 00:17:52,760
you can both be at war with each
other, but one of you has to

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00:17:52,760 --> 00:17:56,120
have enough emotional
intelligence to have enough

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00:17:56,120 --> 00:17:58,280
grace for the both of you to
move you forward.

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00:17:58,520 --> 00:18:01,040
Because at the end of the day,
you both want to move forward,

305
00:18:01,120 --> 00:18:02,840
right?
So it's, it's important.

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00:18:03,280 --> 00:18:05,720
And then you know that last
thing is that assertive

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00:18:05,720 --> 00:18:07,880
communication and avoiding
passive aggressive behavior,

308
00:18:08,400 --> 00:18:10,480
right?
Once I think once you, once you

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00:18:10,480 --> 00:18:14,080
truly have empathy with
emotional intelligence and you

310
00:18:14,080 --> 00:18:17,840
understand the other person's
point of view, right?

311
00:18:17,840 --> 00:18:21,280
You've, you've connected with
the emotional feeling that

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00:18:21,280 --> 00:18:25,040
they're feeling.
You can have good, precise

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00:18:25,040 --> 00:18:28,560
assertive communication.
What I mean by that is we all

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00:18:28,560 --> 00:18:30,160
know what it's like to be
passive aggressive.

315
00:18:30,160 --> 00:18:32,760
I ain't saying nothing to them.
I'm not going to do what I would

316
00:18:32,760 --> 00:18:35,200
normally do.
But you don't have to do that

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00:18:35,200 --> 00:18:37,880
because now you understand how
they feel and you can have

318
00:18:37,880 --> 00:18:40,520
assertive communication that
actually talks to the issue,

319
00:18:41,200 --> 00:18:44,000
right, in order to be able to
resolve the conflict in the

320
00:18:44,000 --> 00:18:46,360
movie forward.
But I mean, any thoughts on that

321
00:18:46,400 --> 00:18:49,800
too?
Yeah, I mean, you know, as they

322
00:18:49,800 --> 00:18:51,800
say, man, you gotta get out of
your feelings.

323
00:18:53,120 --> 00:18:55,160
Yeah, but here's the.
Deal right?

324
00:18:55,440 --> 00:19:02,360
That is a, that is not a small,
it's not a small task, right?

325
00:19:02,480 --> 00:19:06,920
And you know when you when you
do come to a place of agreement,

326
00:19:07,280 --> 00:19:09,000
right, Ralph?
This is another thing that we

327
00:19:09,000 --> 00:19:12,400
would say it's hard to argue
with somebody disagreeing with

328
00:19:12,400 --> 00:19:14,800
you.
Oh, absolutely.

329
00:19:16,080 --> 00:19:19,720
That's a good one, you know.
It is hard to argue with

330
00:19:19,720 --> 00:19:22,680
someone.
So let's say that the person on

331
00:19:22,680 --> 00:19:26,600
the other side of the table is
not there yet, right?

332
00:19:26,600 --> 00:19:28,640
And Ralph, we've talked about
this technique.

333
00:19:28,640 --> 00:19:32,480
Well, you know what, let's give
a concession, right?

334
00:19:32,480 --> 00:19:38,320
Because in any scenario, right,
I would say that there's,

335
00:19:38,320 --> 00:19:40,320
there's always some give and
take, right?

336
00:19:40,320 --> 00:19:42,800
There's something that I could
have done differently.

337
00:19:42,800 --> 00:19:44,720
There's something the other
person could have done

338
00:19:44,720 --> 00:19:48,880
differently that has impacted
the situation.

339
00:19:49,120 --> 00:19:53,000
So find an area where you can
say, you know what, I agree with

340
00:19:53,000 --> 00:19:54,720
you there.
I agree with you.

341
00:19:54,720 --> 00:19:59,400
I, I believe there is some room
for improvement there or I

342
00:19:59,400 --> 00:20:02,680
believe that there can have been
a different outcome as a result,

343
00:20:03,160 --> 00:20:06,080
right?
Find that place of agreement and

344
00:20:06,080 --> 00:20:08,160
start building from there.
Because here's the deal.

345
00:20:08,400 --> 00:20:11,840
Sometimes you're going to have
to manage up to get to that

346
00:20:11,840 --> 00:20:16,760
place because the man, the
person leading you may not have

347
00:20:16,760 --> 00:20:19,160
the emotional intelligence that
you have, right?

348
00:20:19,480 --> 00:20:21,960
They're not listening to
leadership sovereignty, right?

349
00:20:21,960 --> 00:20:25,960
Not that we are the be all end
all, our whole goal.

350
00:20:26,680 --> 00:20:31,520
Is to give you a reference point
and then you take it from there,

351
00:20:31,840 --> 00:20:34,400
right?
We just want to see the idea,

352
00:20:34,440 --> 00:20:36,200
right?
We, you know, Ralph and I are

353
00:20:36,200 --> 00:20:38,600
huge fans of Inception.
You're going to be like, where

354
00:20:38,600 --> 00:20:40,360
did I get that idea?
Where did that come from?

355
00:20:40,360 --> 00:20:42,520
Yeah.
Yeah, Yeah, yeah, we.

356
00:20:42,520 --> 00:20:46,560
Just want to plant the idea,
man, and then let you see where

357
00:20:46,560 --> 00:20:50,560
it lands, you know, in your life
and and you, you're the one who,

358
00:20:50,560 --> 00:20:52,960
you know, who's measuring,
right, who has a measuring stick

359
00:20:52,960 --> 00:20:55,400
to say, hey, yeah, there's some
room for me there, so.

360
00:20:56,160 --> 00:21:00,400
I, I think another point too, I
just want to add is that in that

361
00:21:00,800 --> 00:21:04,240
conflict resolution, just like
you said, Terry, you know,

362
00:21:04,280 --> 00:21:06,640
acknowledge the pieces that you,
that you can agree on that you

363
00:21:06,640 --> 00:21:09,480
could have did better, but you
also have to acknowledge the way

364
00:21:09,480 --> 00:21:12,840
that they feel, right?
I understand why you feel that.

365
00:21:12,840 --> 00:21:15,560
Way that's good.
I could see why you feel that

366
00:21:15,560 --> 00:21:17,480
way based on what I did.
Yeah.

367
00:21:17,560 --> 00:21:19,160
Empathy, Right?
I'm on the other side of the

368
00:21:19,160 --> 00:21:20,400
table now.
I'm sitting next.

369
00:21:20,920 --> 00:21:22,600
I'm not sitting across from you.
Yes.

370
00:21:22,800 --> 00:21:24,680
They, you know, validate their
feelings, right?

371
00:21:24,680 --> 00:21:26,040
Because they feel it a certain
way.

372
00:21:26,040 --> 00:21:29,000
Because something happened that
also builds a stronger

373
00:21:29,000 --> 00:21:32,440
connection and helps to come
together in Unity so that you

374
00:21:32,440 --> 00:21:33,520
can move forward.
But.

375
00:21:33,640 --> 00:21:35,880
Yeah, yeah, Ralph, I think, I
think that's a great point.

376
00:21:35,920 --> 00:21:37,840
That's a great point.
And I just want to add this last

377
00:21:37,840 --> 00:21:39,440
little piece to it, right.
A lot of times when we're

378
00:21:39,440 --> 00:21:42,640
thinking about showing empathy,
we're thinking about the person

379
00:21:42,800 --> 00:21:46,280
who is the leader, right?
The person who has on sort on,

380
00:21:46,360 --> 00:21:49,840
you know, so to speak, the upper
hand empathy can be shown

381
00:21:50,640 --> 00:21:53,800
whether you're the leader or
whether you're the person being

382
00:21:53,800 --> 00:21:57,040
LED right in order to get to
that place of agreement.

383
00:21:57,040 --> 00:21:59,880
So Ralph, I think that's a
great, that's an excellent

384
00:21:59,880 --> 00:22:00,360
point.
Awesome.

385
00:22:01,080 --> 00:22:03,680
Awesome, awesome, awesome.
This has been a great show.

386
00:22:04,840 --> 00:22:07,400
We're looking forward to the
next show next week.

387
00:22:07,400 --> 00:22:11,280
So hope that you tune in then
and then till then, have a great

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00:22:11,720 --> 00:22:13,360
week and we'll talk to you next
time.

389
00:22:14,000 --> 00:22:17,000
God bless.
Thank you for listening to the

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00:22:17,000 --> 00:22:20,640
Leadership Sovereignty Podcast.
If this content blessed or

391
00:22:20,640 --> 00:22:24,640
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392
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394
00:22:30,400 --> 00:22:33,680
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395
00:22:34,120 --> 00:22:35,720
peace and blessings.